oversharing
i have felt some hesitation over updating my substack (and over writing in general) in the last few weeks. its initial purpose, a free space for me to write about whatever i wanted, keep my friends (and some strangers) from around the globe updated on my life and sharing my latest thoughts, has started feeling not so free anymore.
i have recently become hyper aware, and obsessing over, the amount of personal information i make available online and whether people should have access to that info in the way they do. i have been battling a feeling of overexposure and finding myself completely frozen by it. as i use this platform (and all my social platforms) to talk about my political thoughts, my insecurities, my identity and all the other small and big things that occupy my mind, i wonder whether i should actually be more protective of these thoughts.
in this spiral, i have been reflecting (and processing maybe?) my almost twenty year long relationship with the internet and how oversharing has always been a fundamental part of it. holding very few friends (basically none at some points) in my teenage years, and struggling with any kind of irl vulnerability, i still needed an outlet for my emotions (i’m a cancer!!!!!!) and seeked connections - and turned to the internet for it. i’d update my msn status relentlessly with both tedious and important updates and had an msn space blog (now forever lost in the internet void) where i’d recap my trips or share personal reflections. even then, i already held some complex feelings around sharing this, knowing that exposure also carried risks.
once i updated my msn status to “not asia, noooo” to share my frustration at asia winning pussycat dolls present: the search for the next doll (a reality show where a group of girls compete to become the next pussycat doll, a must watch!!!!!!!) when it should have been melissa (robbed!). after my cousin asked me what my cryptic status meant, she then proceeded to say something along the lines of “oh i thought only girls watch that” to which i lied and said that i was only watching it cause of my sister. suddenly a spontaneous moment of sharing turned into scrutiny i was not ready to face.
this dynamic played out for many years to come. i would nonchalantly share facebook statuses about anything and everything - from marks i received at school to existential crises - but would find myself frozen when people would enquire any further. when my brain clocked that people actually read what i was writing (and formed opinions about it) i would have an internal back-and-forth battle between the dopamine of validation and being petrified by being so exposed. that eventually extended to twitter and instagram (there was a 2018 era where i spoke about my sex life on the internet way more than necessary) and then proceeding to become a journalist with a personal angle, writing about things like discovering my gender or my living situation.
last year i had a tweet go somewhat viral (by my standards lol), with over 500k people seeing it:
the replies are beautiful, with people sharing personal stories and friends and strangers alike sending love that feels quite genuine. on the one side, i was happy to see the reaction this caused; on the other, i couldn’t quite deal with having half a million people all up in my family’s business. whilst it felt powerful to open up, and enable others to open up in the process, the exposure also felt intimidating.
i still don’t really have an answer on how i want to proceed with this newsletter, or how i feel about my relationship with (over)sharing on the internet. but i do want to honour whatever part of me is compelled to share my voice, and i know it’d be such a shame if shame overpowered that desire. emotions and vulnerability are, historically, not cool things to display on the internet - believed to be corny, cringe, fake, etc etc; i also know that the best content (or, more largely, art) is the one created out of honesty - the one that subjugates intrusive voices and instead honours whatever voice is telling you that what you’ve got to say is worthy.
i hate to say it but whoever came up with “just be yourself” kinda snapped and, regretfully, my self is one that overshares.
a few updates to (over)share:
since moving to so-called australia, i’ve been reconnecting with the baha’i faith, the religion i grew up in, for the first time in over a decade. it’s been beautiful and difficult. i am currently fasting, giving up material needs in favour of reconnecting with my spiritual self. it’s nice to nurture a part of me i’d neglected for so long but also wow, very intense.
my days of fucking-about are kinda over and i got a new job, working in bereavement support for a queer charity. it’s the first time where my social work is my primary source of income and i have some complicated feelings about it but i’m already feeling so inspired by working with people that are so passionate about changing the way our society operates.
a friend of a friend in gaza is raising funds for him and his family to enter egypt. please donate now if you can <3